So I took a hiatus from blogging, from Facebook, from my friends all except one, and I’ve just kept my family around. Most of it had to do with the (lack of) readiness in coming into my own skin and being able to translate my thoughts into living things and feeling secure enough to become my ambitions. It is a process- a long one that might take a decade to ferment. But the point is to keep going and live honestly with myself.
After I got into University and performed my first slam poem (Dear Radical White Hipsters) I felt instant relief and took a break from action. Two of my tiny dreams actually came true, and this achievement, no matter how minor, is an alien concept in my life. I’ve been learning how to deal with the relativity of “success” and how that word carries different meanings for everyone.
I have a huge checklist of things to do this summer. Some will happen while others may not. Quitting smoking and becoming physically and mentally healthier are among my top priorities. I’ve cut my one-pack-a-day intake to ten which is huge for me. I’ve been meditating more frequently and appreciating the great things in my life- my mother, sister, brother, dog, cat, cousins and great musicians that inspire me every day.
Being Armenian is a constant thread in all this. It is an inescapable identity that I must define since no one else has or is willing to do so. But it is peace, now. I mean, it’s getting there. Somedays I get sick of it. I forget how I used to hate it, even as a young child and even as a young adult, even one year ago. The way I view my body/identity/ethnicity today may conflict with the way others, including white folks, people of color, and armenians, see us. I’m figuring this out, and before I die I might have an answer or might make some changes and I might not. I just have to keep going.
“Damn right I love the life I live, cause I went from negative to positive.” — Notorious B.I.G.